I’ve been doing a LOT of work around forgiveness, dealing with my childhood, and trying to “get over” the fact that my stepfather tried to molest me for years.
I knew that when my I dyed my hair blonde again (my natural color), it would stir up some issues for me.
I thought I was ready. I was dead wrong.
That evening when I came home from the salon, I was already feeling a bit squirrely, but I didn’t want to believe that I was going to have issues. I had nightmares all night. I woke up off and on, and could barely sleep. And then I had a headache for three days. It was like a migraine, except it kept moving all around my head. It was worse than anything I’ve ever felt before (and I’ve had some pretty severe, “go to the hospital” migraines).
On Saturday, my husband left the house for some reason. I don’t know why, and I don’t remember where he went or what he did. All I know is that I ended up laying on the floor of the bathroom for a few hours moaning. I literally thought I might die. It didn’t seem rational, but I wasn’t in a very rational mood. I couldn’t stand up without feeling like I was going to be sick, so I crawled around the house for a bit, and then I just laid in the middle of the floor and sobbed.
I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t prepared for this. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t forgiven myself enough, or forgiven my parents enough, or whatever it was that I hadn’t done enough. And yes, I did pity myself for a while. And I got to wallow in some self-doubt, and I even got to beat myself up for not being “spiritual” enough for a bit.
So I guess I still have some work to do.
Remember the next time you are making big spiritual and healing leaps in your life, it’s okay to take it slowly. Peeling back too many layers at once may leave you moaning on the floor feeling like you’re going to die. You’re perfect where you are, and your journey is perfect, too. No need to rush things.
And no need to go blonde before you’re ready.
Have you ever taken too big of a spiritual leap before? Do you ever wish you could just “get over” or “get through” things? Let me know about it in the comments below. I don’t want to be laying here on the bathroom floor all alone.